I’m Too Old to be Bitter

Disclaimer: The following, for now, is simply a theory…nothing is set in stone, or gem.

“Maybe it’s time to late the old ways die. Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die. Takes a lot to change and it takes a lot to try. Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die.”

Now, more than ever am I applying this chorus of words to my life.

For so long did I believe in the power and the beauty of marriage. For so long did I imagine myself married with three children. And for so long did I believe (so entirely subconsciously) that a relationship and the love that binds it is not whole without marriage.

I’ve watched men and women, far younger than I get engaged and then get married. I’ve watched men and women who’ve been together no more than 9 months get engaged and get married. I’ve allowed myself to feel such envy and deep sadness over every occurrence, every instance of this. Why? Why put myself through the torture and the misery?

Growing up, society and the media has always taught me marriage is a goal and the culmination of a relationship, so much so, that marriage itself has become the focal point, and not love. Which, let’s be real, it (love) should be. Tradition and visions of my own happily married life has trapped me in a translucent bubble that remarkably has lasted 34 years. How many brides have I watched “meet cute” their husbands-to-be in movies, walk down the aisle, dance to a tear-jerking tune? How many people have told me marriage is essential to the health and well-being of any relationship? That marriage is the yardstick a couple must measure their relationship by, and that any couple that truly loves each other gets married--naturally. This is what I have been told. For so so many years.

And so I write commentaries like “My preciousss…” (2005), comparing a girl’s desire for an engagement ring to Gollum’s obsession with the ring that ruled them all, and I state a ring can make a girl feel special, spectacular, a-mazing. And I pose the hypothetical question, “Who wouldn’t want to feel like the most cherished woman in the world?” But in reality, a ring is just a ring; it’s really how you choose to feel about the ring that marks its importance, or lack thereof. And it’s how you choose to feel about marriage that marks its impact on your life, or lack thereof.

I can choose to be sad on some days, feeling like I am missing out on something grand, or, be mad on others and wonder why them, and not me? I can concern myself with everything wonderful I imagined it to be, beautiful wedding and a house with white picket fence included. Or, I can take charge of my life, and decide for myself what really is important.

Yes, I’ve grown up to believe that marriage is the key. That marriage is what any couple should be striving for. And for me, marriage has always been the norm for my family. My parents had an amazing, wonderful marriage and would still be married today if my dad were still alive. I look at my aunties, my older cousins, my uncles...all married, and seemingly happy despite the hiccups. But if I were to grow up in a different world, where everyone I knew either broke up or got divorced--my parents, my grandparents...my other grandparents...if I equated marriage with misery, then, yea, I totally can see why a person would want to avoid marriage at every turn--to not end up like those they looked up to. To be traumatized and not uplifted. A completely different experience.

I’m not one to give up on my dreams but I am willing to let one dream go. I’ve been so hardwired into thinking I need marriage to make me happy, to make my relationship valid. And I know it’s no new philosophy--plenty of people already know they don’t need to be married to be complete. Couples have been together for decades, unmarried.

I’m seeing now it may be a desire but not a need.

It’s going to take some time to completely devote myself to this new notion, and by “new”, I mean, new to me not to time itself. I’m slowly settling in. A part of me doesn’t want to let go, but the bigger part of me fears what I may lose if I keep holding on, if I remain stubborn in my old ways.

Don’t get me wrong. I know I am entitled to my dreams. But just because I am a romantic, it doesn’t mean I can’t be a realist from time to time.

The reality is love does not equal marriage. Marriage most certainly does not guarantee happiness or a prolonged partnership. And perhaps I don’t give the word “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” much credit. While the word “wife” seems so much more entitled, really all it is, is a title.

I’m too old to be bitter. Bitter than my timeline is off schedule. That everyone and their mother is getting married except for me. That I’ve fallen way behind. Aren’t I entitled to...yadda yadda yadda...fill in the blanks.

So...not quite sure what Bradley Cooper was referring to in his version of A Star Is Born but perhaps he was on to something when he sang, “Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die.”

Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die. And live in the bliss of the present.

Just a thought. Don’t discount me just yet.